Blood Bath

I believe I was further initiated into domesticity/womanhood this morning.

 

I had to bleach blood out of my refrigerator, and it was disgusting. I mean all-encompassing gross- the look, smell, feel as some if it got on my hand. I couldn't stand it; truthfully, I wanted to vomit. And I do not usually get queasy at blood- I'm diabetic, so I see it on a regular basis. I don't freak out when people are injured (only if I watch it happen!). Why, today, did the sight of this blood sicken me so?

And God brought the blood of Jesus to mind. My mind went crazy as some dots began to connect between sacrifices, the Temple, and the Cross. They were all drenched in blood, and I never realized what that meant. The Temple was not pristine, as artists and historians and Jews and Christians and scholars like to imagine; it was where sin was atoned. The altar was covered in sin and blood because both are gross and ugly. Blood stains; it becomes sticky as it dries; it smells like death.

And what is overwhelming is that horrifying ugliness flows through my body and physically sustains me. Such life giving ugliness should be kept in my body, hidden away, where its effect (my life) and not its disgusting nature is seen.

Then I see the Cross. Jesus the man needed His blood inside to sustain Him.

But He knew it needed to be exposed to cleanse me.

So the ugliness of the Cross is revealed. Blood was everywhere. From the wounds covering Jesus' body, dripping upon the ground to the stream of blood that undoubtedly led to where He was tortured. The Cross was no clean place. It probably smelled bad and became messy and sticky as the lifeblood of the Son of Man dried on and around it, staining all it touched.

The ugliness of my sin is conveyed in the ugliness of that blood, and it nauseates me. Yet God calls me to do the morbidly unthinkable: bathe in this blood, revel in it, let it dry on me, stain me, for by it I am cleansed. What I desire to keep hidden Jesus exposed for all to see and live. So smell it, cry in it, lie in it and glory at the Man it killed. I wish I could have sat at the feet of my sweet Jesus as He died and let His blood cover me, then maybe I could fully understand His sacrifice. But I am here, where I am, and I think I get it. I have bathed in the blood of Jesus, and I let Him cleanse me white as snow.

But the stains remain. The stains are still there, because I can never return to who I was after drenched in the blood of Messiah. The stains remind me that my blood does not have to spill for my sin; the stains remind me I have bathed in the blood of the One who already did that. May they never wash off.

 

"But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin."

1 John 1:7

Why Do We Sit?

This week has felt like the downside of crazy. I mean, I did not really have much going on, yet I felt like I did. My brain hurt, my body hurt, my soul and heart hurt- nothing felt right. I know it stemmed from leading eighth-grade girls at a D-Now (not healthy for such an extreme introvert, lemme tell ya!), but I enjoyed the whole ordeal. Yet I felt so... off. All week.

However, this is where my story (mostly) begins.

It actually began the week I was home for spring break at my home church. I love my home church; as a preacher's kid, the concept of 'home church' is transient at best, nonexistent at normalcy. But we've been at Jay Valley since the May I turned fourteen. It was from that church that I was commissioned to each mission trip I've been on, from which I left for college, that wrote me endless letters and emails when I was in Florida last summer, that prayed for me through those angsty teen years. That congregation is precious and it is mine.

But this specific Sunday I felt a little differently: I realized we sat. We (as a whole) did not sit because we had to or we felt compelled to by the Spirit. We sat because it was the hymn we were supposed to sit for. We sat because you always sit during the third hymn. And me, being the rebel I am (harhar) felt so compelled to stand. I was praising my Maker, His saints were singing how well things were  with our souls because He is God...

BUT WE SAT. And I am thoroughly convinced that a room full of true Redeemed will not all sit as they sing to our Savior about His overcoming the world (John 16:33)

So I didn't.
And let me tell you, it was horrifying. And I'm not saying this to say, "Look at me!" I'm writing this because I must confess my great sin in this act: I almost didn't obey. I almost didn't move to the posture the Spirit was moving me to because I knew people would see. I knew no one stood during the third hymn. And why should my worship make people uneasy or uncomfortable? In a room of Believers, I was ashamed to stand because it was too different.

**Have you heard the joke about the Baptist man who raised an arm in church? He only has one arm now.**



Let's fast forward to D-Now, and the focus is following Christ and how that really looks. This created so much unrest in me, but I quelled it in praise and "attuning my heart to the Lord." Let's fast forward to almost every conversation I've had this week, the AMAZING book by David Platt that I'm reading (it's called Follow Me), and the movie I just watched called Beware of Christians. Let's rewind to Wednesday night when my soul was so troubled that I questioned my salvation and panic-texted the associate BSM director to have an emergency meeting the next day to sort things.

Let's camp out at the fact that I've never once led a person to Christ. Let's camp out at the fact that I have made a friend this semester that's not a believer and while she knows I'm a Christian, I've not shared the Gospel with her. Let's camp out at I AM SITTING.

What God was trying to desperately tell me is that I have been doing it wrong; I have been sold to this idea of westernized Christianity that says our hearts can 'follow Jesus' but our lives don't necessarily have to. And that's not Biblical at all. Nowhere in the Bible to people become Christians and then sit in a pew the rest of their lives, complacent at a good sermon. Nowhere is believing in Jesus but not following Him even a thing.

These people did not sit. They stood. They went. They followed. And if we really believe Jesus did what we say we believe He did, wouldn't we stand, too? And not just at a song we like. Not just when it's comfortable- because if I was hard pressed to stand and worship in front of Believers, actually standing for something important must be that much more difficult- but all the time. Whenever. Whatever. However. If we think Jesus is really Messiah, why do we sit?

"In this world you will have trouble, but take heart, for I have overcome the world." John 16:33

To the Brim

I've been blessed to learn the meaning of reliance this semester. Nothing major or earth-shattering has happened; I am just learning, and it's beautiful. (I love learning, in case anyone doesn't know...) I can see God move and work in my heart as I grasp His will; I feel His Spirit lead me to love others as I haven't before; I have a desire to have relationships with my classmates, which is odd for my shy character. The Lord is showing me to trust Him for that boldness to make friends, for the ability to extend the love that naturally fills my heart. It is amazing and I cannot communicate how amazed and humbled I am to sit in the great, big mess that I am and know God is redeeming that mess for His Kingdom. Most of the time, in response, I feel so full of joy that I want to scream. Or sing. Or do cartwheels (which I can't even do. That's how joyful I am).

But some days it's really hard,even in the honeymoon learning phase. Some days I'm totally empty, and today was one of those days. In her book Kisses from Katie, Katie Davis writes, "People often ask me how I do it... it's a little coffee and a lot of Jesus." As a coffee fiend, I totally know how she feels. I often wake up too late to have a full-out Bible study time, so I'll typically pray while I drink my morning coffee. I love this time because my company is only Jesus... and my delicious coffee, which is absolutely proof that God wants me to enjoy life. I've not seen anyone else, I haven't gotten texts from anyone, I've not looked at social media. This time is only mine and Jesus' and it is glorious.

This morning, I woke up too late for that time. I tried to pray as I was getting ready for the day, but I find it hard to pray as my wildly curly hair won't behave. I find it hard to pray as I put on a little makeup. I find it hard to pray as I'm constantly checking the time on my phone to make sure I am not running late. I was not still. And the rest of my day was not still- I was late to my first class, so instead of getting to chat with my classmates I hurried through a quiz. This is a class full of non-Believers, and I love them dearly. Today I was so frustrated because I did not get to love them. I was frustrated because they don't like Jesus. It made me angry instead of breaking my heart. I was angry in my religious studies class when my professor not-so-subtly contested the Bible's historical (and thus complete) accuracy. I was frustrated when my history of science professor denounced the work done by a Christian scientist right after commending said scientist's work (this one was silly, but I was already angry anyway). I was frustrated when I ran into a friend of mine and wasn't interested in talking to her because I do love her. I was frustrated because nothing was clicking and I was trying SO HARD.

 Thankfully, I got to see my BSM friends at free lunch today. I go to make a new friend and we're baking cupcakes tomorrow. I got to hear a dear, sweet friend of mine talk about her heart for justice and God's glory. I had a piano song dedicated to me. I got to watch one of my small-group kids do some amazing yo-yo tricks. I got to help clean up after lunch. I was able to be still and before I knew it my joy overflowed.

And that had been my problem all along: not that I had not had coffee this morning, but that I had not been still before my Maker, the one who makes everything click, the one who enables me to love and talk and freely give of myself. I had not taken time to place my day before Him, so I had so little of His goodness in me to give. I was not filled because I did not take time to empty myself out. But when I was still before His saints He allowed be to be filled. He allowed the winter melt away- both outside and in my heart- and filled it to the brim with His goodness. My cup overflows.

I pray you take time to be still each day. I pray God brings joy to your heart that has to be shared. May you be filled to the brim with His goodness.


(Psalm 46:10- Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted in the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.)

Reaching Through the Dirt

I am a mess. That's all I know how to say now and probably all I can honestly write without sounding like a mad woman. I have spent the summer (and weeks since then) confused, shaken up, broken, and empty. My heart has been opened up to emotions and feelings I have not encountered before and did not plan to encounter for years. I have questioned my life's purpose, my location, my whole being.

I have questioned my Creator. I have cried out in the night in my deepest heart, weeping in my bed, unsure of all He has promised. I have wanted to throw back all the desires He has tucked into the innermost folds of my heart, those hopes and wishes that all girls hold onto with beautiful, innocent faith until we are forced to actually deal with them. I have gone days, weeks, on end, without His presence being felt in my life. I have been buried alive, I feel, and I have no idea where to dig or look to escape this coffin I built and buried myself. I am clawing and clawing at this trap I have created, screaming for help, for life, for anything but the darkness and pain I have induced on myself.

Not to say I doubted there is a God, or He loves me and has a plan for my life. I doubt His infinite love; I doubt that I am the one who shall receive such grace when I am such a hopeless, depraved, tangled mess of a child. I know these truths in my head, but where are they in my heart? Some days I am so assured of my salvation and purpose; these are days when the coffin feels more like a safe house. Other days I examine these hopes in my heart and see they are not fulfilled; I am like Abraham after a decade in Canaan asking God, "What will you do for me? Why am I waiting and waiting and not seeing any of your promises?" I am like Gomer, like the Israelites, running from the One who taught me to walk, to the one who loves me despite of my adulterous, ugly heart. I am in a constant state of waiting and wanting instead of being.

I have seriously wanted to be a wife and mom since I was a sophomore in high school. I know God put this desire in my heart, and I have been taught (inadvertently or not) that being a Godly woman will lead to this faster. I have "sought after God" in order to meet my spouse when I least expected it. This summer served as God showing me this hope more starkly and defining what being a wife would look like someday. "This is it!" I thought. "God is teaching me these things because I have achieved the maximum Godliness and am getting married soon!"
I have achieved no godliness at all. I have worked for years towards being godly enough to attain a prize- and that is not in the Bible. At all. Anywhere. I will never be godly enough for anything, ever, much less to earn God's approval. On top of that, if I am following God to achieve a prize, is that prize not my God? I have lived with marriage as this tunnel-vision of my life with Christ; I have not lived for Christ at all. I have learned to love a promise instead of the Creator and Maker of all promises. I have buried myself so deep in my own misguided search for God that I do not know where God is in all my hopes and wishes tucked innocently away in my being. My heart is His, but not actively; I do not focus on Him and ponder Him as the day goes.

So I am having to start over. From square one, I am having to seek out the Creator with nothing more than His promise of eternal life. Because, really, does anything else matter? All other things pass away and fade. Over a decade into my walk with Jesus, I have forgotten my first love. I am the church in Revelation admonished for wandering away from He that made me and loves me unabashedly and unashamedly; the One that will pursue to death and humiliation on a cross and prove Himself to me beyond that day after day. I sit on my couch, listening to worship music in goodness knows how long, letting my depravity come through, knowing that facing my sin is the only way to get rid of it, knowing this coffin of my own making cannot be broken by my hands so bloodied from clawing at it for so long.
I am reaching through the dirt- and, God, there is so much dirt- but I know life is beyond the earth that envelops me now.







This tonight was inspired by a blog I read on Facebook. Check it out yourselves:  http://gracefortheroad.com/2012/02/03/idontwait/

Colliding Particles

Matter cannot exist unless particles are electromagnetically drawn together and stick.

Matter consists of two or more particles that happen to travel close enough to each other to be drawn to the other’s electromagnetic field.

Matter cannot be made of particles whose Valence electrons and charges are not compatible.

If matter tries to stick with particles with which it is not compatible, the bond will break. Most likely in an explosion.

Matter is like life; the pieces all have to be just right and wait to collide at the perfect moment.

This summer has been absolutely insane. I cannot be eloquent about how I feel about the summer, so here is my heart. I hope God conveys Himself through it:

I have grown to love the people of Orlando and its surrounding areas with a passion I know must be of God. I could not muster up this love on my own, or even pretend to love a people this much. I love ROCK ministries, I love the supervisory team, I love Kids Club and GKTW; I even love the puppet shows and church performances. I feel in my heart that God has called me to Orlando for beyond this summer- maybe even my life. In this city, I can see a need and thirst for the grace of our King; I see a group of internationals that cannot be reached if one travels to their country. I see natives burnt out by the tourism and wanting peace from the hustle and bustle. I see God reconciling all the “conflicting” desires He has put in my heart. I see God, and He is more beautiful than I could ever imagine.

“Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.”

Psalm 139

God led me to UT so I could join the BSM. God led me to the UT BSM so I could learn about GoNow. God led me to GoNow so I could plug into missions. He hid my passport from my eyes so I could not get out of the country this year. God led me to a certain page in the trip manuals that spoke of GKTW and a ministry in my own backyard. God led me to the international ministry that I thirst for. God has taken each area of my life and used it to lead me to His glorious plan. My life has been full of events-particles- that have floated around in the space of time, waiting for the right moment to collide and create matter. This matter makes up my life, the life God has planned for me.  His ways are not my ways and His thoughts are not mine, either. Each particle I have intentionally tried to attach to has not matched up; as in science, the bond was volatile and did not last. In fact, the breaking of the bond was often a painful event. But when I have waited on God’s timing and let Him create the bonds that are needed, they are permanent and stable. For nineteen years, I have been in Texas and Orlando has been in Florida. Though the bond between the location and me was needed, at any other time I would not have been ready for it. God allowed to me to float about until His timing came to collide and form and inseparable bond with this city for which my heart aches.

I encourage you to let God be the master scientist. Don’t seek bonds with particles that are not for your most stable existence. Wait, because when the time is right the perfect particles will collide.

Snow Globes

You know, I am a missions freak. Ever since I was thirteen and felt God call me to the mission field, I have felt a pull toward missions that I can't fight. I live from trip to trip; I (try!) to live my daily life on mission. I love traveling, adventures, and the idea of getting away from the growing materialism and sin in America to live in a simpler place. I can’t see any other way God will combine all the desires He had given me into a life, and, in all my humanness, am utterly certain of how God is going to use this calling in my life: I'll go to medical school, do overseas missions, work with Mercy Ships or in some third world country, and somewhere in there get married to another missionary and have missional babies. Right? RIGHT?!

No. Nope. Not at all. God, I am constantly reminded, does not like His instruments to write their own music.

I am so blessed to spend my summer serving as a GoNow missionary in sunny, lovely Kissimmee, Florida. I know, suffering for Jesus right? As a traveler who is ‘sure of’ God’s intent to send me overseas in the future, I had all plans of going overseas this summer, chilling in a hut somewhere and playing with orphans. Or something super Christian like that. That was my heart; I did not want to stay around the land I know. I wanted to go to the nations, literally! And then… I couldn’t find my passport. I couldn’t even APPLY to go overseas. I was really upset by this and even considered not applying to go on any mission trips this summer. I wanted adventure, not the United States. I wanted unfamiliarity and culture shock, not Wifi and WalMart. Apparently, the Creator of the universe had other plans.

I ended up in Florida, serving sick children and their families at Give Kids the World Resort. I ended up in Florida, practicing puppet shows for eight hours a day for a week straight so my team can perform at popular venues all over Orlando. I am in Orlando, learning skits and worship songs to present to various Orlando and Kissimmee churches. I am in Florida, the number one tourist destination in the world. I am not where one goes to the nations, but to where the nations come. I am in Florida, being taught all about God’s sovereignty. The Lord has taken my life, my heart, and my mindset and shaken me around like a snow globe. I only know which way is up, and that is where God’s eyes greet me with love and compassion. Up is when I am lying on the floor, as low as I can be, begging God to give me grace and wisdom for that day, asking that He would test me and find me faithful. Up is when I realize I have no clue at all the details of what God has for me to do years from now. I know I am in His will where I am- in America (whoda thunk it?), planning to go biology/premed in the fall, learning that the more I learn the less I know (about God, life, the world, just everything).


So anyway, I’m in sunny, beautiful, Florida, letting the snow globe that is my life settle, and reading through Ezekiel as I go. The first couple of chapters of Ezekiel are some of my favorite in the Bible. God shows Himself to Ezekiel before commissioning Ezekiel. That’s right- Ezekiel is commissioned by God Himself! In chapter two, God tells Ezekiel that he will not prophesy to peoples of other nations:

For you are not sent to a people of foreign speech and a hard language,

but to the house of Israel- not to many peoples of foreign speech

and a hard language whose words you cannot understand.

Surely if I sent you to such, they would listen to you.” Ezekiel 3:5-6

I like to picture myself like Ezekiel… sent to my own people, because who knows the needs and sin of a group of people but those in that group? Who can better minister to them? As God specially sent Ezekiel to his own people, God has chosen that my summer (and maybe life) will be spent ministering to the people that I know best, who I see as some of the farthest from God. Did Jesus Himself not come to seek and save the lost? And all the lost need to be found no matter where they live. So here, in my own backyard, God is showing me the sick and broken. God is showing me His plan and love for all people. God is shaking me up like a snow globe, and I can’t wait to see the view when it all settles.

Summer 2012 :)

Welp... my first year of college is nearly over! God has tremendously blessed me this year in every facet of my life. I am getting to fall in love with Him more each day and learn how to share His love with others each day in a new way. God is so good, all the time! But, like most of my peers, I am looking forward to this summer more than anything. (Especially finals.. I am not looking froward to them at all!) I know many of you are aware that I am spending my summer doing missions (yayyayyayayayay!), but are wondering exactly WHAT I will be doing.

Well. Let me tell you.

Remember my "Instruments" post from a while back? That was when God was revealing to me ways I was not obeying Him in my life. As a result, I have switched my major from bilingual education to biology with a focus in pre-med so I can (hopefully!) serve God with Mercy Ships or Doctors Without Borders someday in the future. This will be a huge and difficult change from what I am currently studying, but I know the Lord works everything out according to His perfect plan! He really has re-ignited a passion in my heart for not just the spiritually sick, but those who are also physically sick.

 One thing that God has been faithful to keep burning in my heart, however, is my passion for missions and reaching the nations for the sake of Christ. When I was in the eighth grade, I surrendered to God’s call to full-time missions. Where He will send me for my life, I have no clue, but this summer He has called me to Give Kids the World Village in Orlando, Florida. Give Kids the World is a Christian-run, non-profit organization that works with Make-A-Wish foundation and other wish-granting organizations to give threateningly ill children and their families a chance to have a vacation free of medical worries, stress, or expense. AND THE KIDS CAN HAVE FREE ICE CREAM 24/7. This place is magical :D

Since the Lord has given me a passion for both children and the sick, so I believe there is no better people group could He have given me to serve! Another way I know God is sending me to these people is that I am also sick, as they are. As a diabetic, I know what it is like to be told you cannot get better, that your whole life will be a struggle; to me, this is just proof God uses all things (good and bad) to bring Him glory. I know God has ordained this summer for me specifically reach out to this group of sick kids and their families. 

SO that's pretty much what I get to do- hang out with some super cool, inspiring kids all summer. And tell them about Jesus. And eat ice cream. And be in Florida. (Serving Christ really has its perks!) But the Lord does not just ordain those He sends. He prepares amazing groups of people to serve as a support system. This, friends, is where I need your help.

God has already ordained my whole summer, including a group of people who would join in supporting me through consistent prayer for these people and me.  As the Bible says, “The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.” (John 5:16) Prayer is not only the strongest communication we have with our Creator, it is also the strongest weapon we have against the enemy. All people are called to lift one another up in prayer, and I do ask that you would please lift up the families I will encounter, my team, and me as we approach this summer. Though I know not all people are called to monetarily support each cause that we agree with, I do also ask that you would prayerfully consider ministering to GKTW families through supporting my trip. Though I am reluctant to ask for anything other than prayer, anything given is not given to me, but rather the Father’s glory and the people that will vacation at Give Kids the World. No matter how the Spirit leads you financially, I ask that you do begin praying now for this summer and how God’s glory will reach all nations, from the United States to the unreached peoples in the 10-40 Zone.

I plan to keep blogging about my adventures this summer since God is going to do so much great stuff! So keep checking up on the blog. Something worth reading may show up

If you would like to give to my trip financially, you may do so online at

http://www.gonowmissions.com/home/give-now.html

or contact me at mayzieevers@yahoo.com for alternative ways to give.

 More information about Give Kids the World can be found at www.gktw.org.

Thank you so much for all your love for God and His people. I am truly thankful to have you as my family through the blood of our wonderful Christ!

Blessings,

Mayzie