Reaching Through the Dirt

I am a mess. That's all I know how to say now and probably all I can honestly write without sounding like a mad woman. I have spent the summer (and weeks since then) confused, shaken up, broken, and empty. My heart has been opened up to emotions and feelings I have not encountered before and did not plan to encounter for years. I have questioned my life's purpose, my location, my whole being.

I have questioned my Creator. I have cried out in the night in my deepest heart, weeping in my bed, unsure of all He has promised. I have wanted to throw back all the desires He has tucked into the innermost folds of my heart, those hopes and wishes that all girls hold onto with beautiful, innocent faith until we are forced to actually deal with them. I have gone days, weeks, on end, without His presence being felt in my life. I have been buried alive, I feel, and I have no idea where to dig or look to escape this coffin I built and buried myself. I am clawing and clawing at this trap I have created, screaming for help, for life, for anything but the darkness and pain I have induced on myself.

Not to say I doubted there is a God, or He loves me and has a plan for my life. I doubt His infinite love; I doubt that I am the one who shall receive such grace when I am such a hopeless, depraved, tangled mess of a child. I know these truths in my head, but where are they in my heart? Some days I am so assured of my salvation and purpose; these are days when the coffin feels more like a safe house. Other days I examine these hopes in my heart and see they are not fulfilled; I am like Abraham after a decade in Canaan asking God, "What will you do for me? Why am I waiting and waiting and not seeing any of your promises?" I am like Gomer, like the Israelites, running from the One who taught me to walk, to the one who loves me despite of my adulterous, ugly heart. I am in a constant state of waiting and wanting instead of being.

I have seriously wanted to be a wife and mom since I was a sophomore in high school. I know God put this desire in my heart, and I have been taught (inadvertently or not) that being a Godly woman will lead to this faster. I have "sought after God" in order to meet my spouse when I least expected it. This summer served as God showing me this hope more starkly and defining what being a wife would look like someday. "This is it!" I thought. "God is teaching me these things because I have achieved the maximum Godliness and am getting married soon!"
I have achieved no godliness at all. I have worked for years towards being godly enough to attain a prize- and that is not in the Bible. At all. Anywhere. I will never be godly enough for anything, ever, much less to earn God's approval. On top of that, if I am following God to achieve a prize, is that prize not my God? I have lived with marriage as this tunnel-vision of my life with Christ; I have not lived for Christ at all. I have learned to love a promise instead of the Creator and Maker of all promises. I have buried myself so deep in my own misguided search for God that I do not know where God is in all my hopes and wishes tucked innocently away in my being. My heart is His, but not actively; I do not focus on Him and ponder Him as the day goes.

So I am having to start over. From square one, I am having to seek out the Creator with nothing more than His promise of eternal life. Because, really, does anything else matter? All other things pass away and fade. Over a decade into my walk with Jesus, I have forgotten my first love. I am the church in Revelation admonished for wandering away from He that made me and loves me unabashedly and unashamedly; the One that will pursue to death and humiliation on a cross and prove Himself to me beyond that day after day. I sit on my couch, listening to worship music in goodness knows how long, letting my depravity come through, knowing that facing my sin is the only way to get rid of it, knowing this coffin of my own making cannot be broken by my hands so bloodied from clawing at it for so long.
I am reaching through the dirt- and, God, there is so much dirt- but I know life is beyond the earth that envelops me now.







This tonight was inspired by a blog I read on Facebook. Check it out yourselves:  http://gracefortheroad.com/2012/02/03/idontwait/

Colliding Particles

Matter cannot exist unless particles are electromagnetically drawn together and stick.

Matter consists of two or more particles that happen to travel close enough to each other to be drawn to the other’s electromagnetic field.

Matter cannot be made of particles whose Valence electrons and charges are not compatible.

If matter tries to stick with particles with which it is not compatible, the bond will break. Most likely in an explosion.

Matter is like life; the pieces all have to be just right and wait to collide at the perfect moment.

This summer has been absolutely insane. I cannot be eloquent about how I feel about the summer, so here is my heart. I hope God conveys Himself through it:

I have grown to love the people of Orlando and its surrounding areas with a passion I know must be of God. I could not muster up this love on my own, or even pretend to love a people this much. I love ROCK ministries, I love the supervisory team, I love Kids Club and GKTW; I even love the puppet shows and church performances. I feel in my heart that God has called me to Orlando for beyond this summer- maybe even my life. In this city, I can see a need and thirst for the grace of our King; I see a group of internationals that cannot be reached if one travels to their country. I see natives burnt out by the tourism and wanting peace from the hustle and bustle. I see God reconciling all the “conflicting” desires He has put in my heart. I see God, and He is more beautiful than I could ever imagine.

“Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.”

Psalm 139

God led me to UT so I could join the BSM. God led me to the UT BSM so I could learn about GoNow. God led me to GoNow so I could plug into missions. He hid my passport from my eyes so I could not get out of the country this year. God led me to a certain page in the trip manuals that spoke of GKTW and a ministry in my own backyard. God led me to the international ministry that I thirst for. God has taken each area of my life and used it to lead me to His glorious plan. My life has been full of events-particles- that have floated around in the space of time, waiting for the right moment to collide and create matter. This matter makes up my life, the life God has planned for me.  His ways are not my ways and His thoughts are not mine, either. Each particle I have intentionally tried to attach to has not matched up; as in science, the bond was volatile and did not last. In fact, the breaking of the bond was often a painful event. But when I have waited on God’s timing and let Him create the bonds that are needed, they are permanent and stable. For nineteen years, I have been in Texas and Orlando has been in Florida. Though the bond between the location and me was needed, at any other time I would not have been ready for it. God allowed to me to float about until His timing came to collide and form and inseparable bond with this city for which my heart aches.

I encourage you to let God be the master scientist. Don’t seek bonds with particles that are not for your most stable existence. Wait, because when the time is right the perfect particles will collide.

Snow Globes

You know, I am a missions freak. Ever since I was thirteen and felt God call me to the mission field, I have felt a pull toward missions that I can't fight. I live from trip to trip; I (try!) to live my daily life on mission. I love traveling, adventures, and the idea of getting away from the growing materialism and sin in America to live in a simpler place. I can’t see any other way God will combine all the desires He had given me into a life, and, in all my humanness, am utterly certain of how God is going to use this calling in my life: I'll go to medical school, do overseas missions, work with Mercy Ships or in some third world country, and somewhere in there get married to another missionary and have missional babies. Right? RIGHT?!

No. Nope. Not at all. God, I am constantly reminded, does not like His instruments to write their own music.

I am so blessed to spend my summer serving as a GoNow missionary in sunny, lovely Kissimmee, Florida. I know, suffering for Jesus right? As a traveler who is ‘sure of’ God’s intent to send me overseas in the future, I had all plans of going overseas this summer, chilling in a hut somewhere and playing with orphans. Or something super Christian like that. That was my heart; I did not want to stay around the land I know. I wanted to go to the nations, literally! And then… I couldn’t find my passport. I couldn’t even APPLY to go overseas. I was really upset by this and even considered not applying to go on any mission trips this summer. I wanted adventure, not the United States. I wanted unfamiliarity and culture shock, not Wifi and WalMart. Apparently, the Creator of the universe had other plans.

I ended up in Florida, serving sick children and their families at Give Kids the World Resort. I ended up in Florida, practicing puppet shows for eight hours a day for a week straight so my team can perform at popular venues all over Orlando. I am in Orlando, learning skits and worship songs to present to various Orlando and Kissimmee churches. I am in Florida, the number one tourist destination in the world. I am not where one goes to the nations, but to where the nations come. I am in Florida, being taught all about God’s sovereignty. The Lord has taken my life, my heart, and my mindset and shaken me around like a snow globe. I only know which way is up, and that is where God’s eyes greet me with love and compassion. Up is when I am lying on the floor, as low as I can be, begging God to give me grace and wisdom for that day, asking that He would test me and find me faithful. Up is when I realize I have no clue at all the details of what God has for me to do years from now. I know I am in His will where I am- in America (whoda thunk it?), planning to go biology/premed in the fall, learning that the more I learn the less I know (about God, life, the world, just everything).


So anyway, I’m in sunny, beautiful, Florida, letting the snow globe that is my life settle, and reading through Ezekiel as I go. The first couple of chapters of Ezekiel are some of my favorite in the Bible. God shows Himself to Ezekiel before commissioning Ezekiel. That’s right- Ezekiel is commissioned by God Himself! In chapter two, God tells Ezekiel that he will not prophesy to peoples of other nations:

For you are not sent to a people of foreign speech and a hard language,

but to the house of Israel- not to many peoples of foreign speech

and a hard language whose words you cannot understand.

Surely if I sent you to such, they would listen to you.” Ezekiel 3:5-6

I like to picture myself like Ezekiel… sent to my own people, because who knows the needs and sin of a group of people but those in that group? Who can better minister to them? As God specially sent Ezekiel to his own people, God has chosen that my summer (and maybe life) will be spent ministering to the people that I know best, who I see as some of the farthest from God. Did Jesus Himself not come to seek and save the lost? And all the lost need to be found no matter where they live. So here, in my own backyard, God is showing me the sick and broken. God is showing me His plan and love for all people. God is shaking me up like a snow globe, and I can’t wait to see the view when it all settles.

Summer 2012 :)

Welp... my first year of college is nearly over! God has tremendously blessed me this year in every facet of my life. I am getting to fall in love with Him more each day and learn how to share His love with others each day in a new way. God is so good, all the time! But, like most of my peers, I am looking forward to this summer more than anything. (Especially finals.. I am not looking froward to them at all!) I know many of you are aware that I am spending my summer doing missions (yayyayyayayayay!), but are wondering exactly WHAT I will be doing.

Well. Let me tell you.

Remember my "Instruments" post from a while back? That was when God was revealing to me ways I was not obeying Him in my life. As a result, I have switched my major from bilingual education to biology with a focus in pre-med so I can (hopefully!) serve God with Mercy Ships or Doctors Without Borders someday in the future. This will be a huge and difficult change from what I am currently studying, but I know the Lord works everything out according to His perfect plan! He really has re-ignited a passion in my heart for not just the spiritually sick, but those who are also physically sick.

 One thing that God has been faithful to keep burning in my heart, however, is my passion for missions and reaching the nations for the sake of Christ. When I was in the eighth grade, I surrendered to God’s call to full-time missions. Where He will send me for my life, I have no clue, but this summer He has called me to Give Kids the World Village in Orlando, Florida. Give Kids the World is a Christian-run, non-profit organization that works with Make-A-Wish foundation and other wish-granting organizations to give threateningly ill children and their families a chance to have a vacation free of medical worries, stress, or expense. AND THE KIDS CAN HAVE FREE ICE CREAM 24/7. This place is magical :D

Since the Lord has given me a passion for both children and the sick, so I believe there is no better people group could He have given me to serve! Another way I know God is sending me to these people is that I am also sick, as they are. As a diabetic, I know what it is like to be told you cannot get better, that your whole life will be a struggle; to me, this is just proof God uses all things (good and bad) to bring Him glory. I know God has ordained this summer for me specifically reach out to this group of sick kids and their families. 

SO that's pretty much what I get to do- hang out with some super cool, inspiring kids all summer. And tell them about Jesus. And eat ice cream. And be in Florida. (Serving Christ really has its perks!) But the Lord does not just ordain those He sends. He prepares amazing groups of people to serve as a support system. This, friends, is where I need your help.

God has already ordained my whole summer, including a group of people who would join in supporting me through consistent prayer for these people and me.  As the Bible says, “The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.” (John 5:16) Prayer is not only the strongest communication we have with our Creator, it is also the strongest weapon we have against the enemy. All people are called to lift one another up in prayer, and I do ask that you would please lift up the families I will encounter, my team, and me as we approach this summer. Though I know not all people are called to monetarily support each cause that we agree with, I do also ask that you would prayerfully consider ministering to GKTW families through supporting my trip. Though I am reluctant to ask for anything other than prayer, anything given is not given to me, but rather the Father’s glory and the people that will vacation at Give Kids the World. No matter how the Spirit leads you financially, I ask that you do begin praying now for this summer and how God’s glory will reach all nations, from the United States to the unreached peoples in the 10-40 Zone.

I plan to keep blogging about my adventures this summer since God is going to do so much great stuff! So keep checking up on the blog. Something worth reading may show up

If you would like to give to my trip financially, you may do so online at

http://www.gonowmissions.com/home/give-now.html

or contact me at mayzieevers@yahoo.com for alternative ways to give.

 More information about Give Kids the World can be found at www.gktw.org.

Thank you so much for all your love for God and His people. I am truly thankful to have you as my family through the blood of our wonderful Christ!

Blessings,

Mayzie

We Who are Homeless

So, so blessed. So, so humbled. So, so in awe of my God.

Have you ever felt a stirring from the Holy Spirit? Somewhere inside, prompting you toward a truth needed to draw you near God, yet, from a human standpoint, utterly shameful? A truth that can seem heartless or selfish? A truth that means being wholly sold out to our glorious Father?

Welcome to my life.

Constantly, God is showing me things and revealing Himself to me, and I am (nearly) constantly ignoring Him. I can say all I want that I want Him to have my life, yet when it's time to listen.... It's the hardest thing ever. Example 1: I've known my whole Christian life God wanted me to be a doctor. I remember Him saying, "You will heal the physically sick, and through you I will heal them spiritually." So beautiful, to feel the Lord speak to my heart, to tell me of His promises, to let me know He is there. And what do I do? Waste a year of college as an education major, knowing the whole time that God has plans for me elsewhere. I mean, hallelujah, He breaks through any walls we put up, but at what cost?

Once again, will I ever learn?

This past weekend, I traveled to Midlothian Texas to attend Discovery Weekend with GoNow Missions. While the weekend is assembled to match college students to their summer or semester missions assignments, it is so much more for most students. It is a weekend of deep pursual of the Holy Spirit, of fellowship with like-minded believers, of worship in Spirit and in Truth. In short, it is a blessing. At Discovery Weekend, we were blessed to have Jeff Lewis bring God's Word to us both nights. God used the second night of his preaching to, once again, speak His truth into my heart.

I've known the Lord wanted me in career missions since I was six (or thereabouts). Apparently, I would come home talking about wanting to tell people about Jesus. He has proven this to me over and over through all apsects of my life: I love travel, I'll try anything once, I enjoy adventure, and recently, He revealed my love for my family is hatred compared to my desire for Him.

"Dear goodness, she is shameful! How can you SAY such a thing! Your poor parents!" Are all responses I totally expect. Fine. You know why? I answer to a higher love than the one I have for my family.

"If you love your father or mother more than you love me, you are not worthy of being mine; or if you love your son or daughter more than me, you are not worthy of being mine." Matthew 10:37

See, I have a unique family simply because we are FAMILY in every truest sense of the word. We love each other, we are wholly devoted to each other, we revolve around each other's happiness. It has always been this way, and I never would have wanted it any differently. However, I have never needed my family. Depended on them, sure. Wanted them, absolutely. But I would never say I have needed them. From the time I was small, I could spend nights away from home, be far away, whatever, and I did miss my family... but not really.

I have always known God deserves more love than anyone else in my life, for He is all that is lasting and good. Since that is "shameful," however, I have been afraid to admit it to myself or anyone else. I mean, what kind of heartless monster would voluntarily leave her family to chase God?

Me.

Even in Luke 14, Christ says if we don't hate our families, even our own lives, we can't be His followers. Now, He doesn't mean hate my family like we think of hate- He just means my love for Him should be so overwhelming that we see nothing but love for Him. Everything else is just overflow.

So that's easy enough. Love Christ more than I love my family. Done and done, Father.

But that's not all. Christ doesn't just call us to hate our families- He tells us we have no home on this earth. According to the aforementioned Mr. Lewis, "In the Bible, Christians are called sojourners, ambassadors, aliens... never is it said we belong here. Who are we to claim a home?" Even Jesus said, ""Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head." (Luke 9:58)

If we hate our families, and we haven't a home, what is there that remains?

Jesus.

And I knew all of this. God had showed His truth to me, deep in my heart, long ago. I was just always afraid to say it. Would it not make me a bad daughter, sister, friend, etc, to admit I would readily leave now if God told me to, and never look back? Wouldn't I be "shameful?"

"No," God whispers softly to me in my chaos. "Being who I have made you to be, living in the assurance of my truth, being girded up to go- THAT makes you the daughter, sister, friend, I have created you to be. Those who live in my way are never shameful."
See, my family are Christians. I will get to glorify our Savior King for eternity with them. There are so many out there who do not know of the Savior, much less that He wants to fellowship with them forever. And that, as a Christian, is what God has called me to love. His name, His glory, His people. So what if that means I'm not conventional, or may have to live in poverty, or may not get married and have kids?

What greater blessing is there than to do the work of the Creator?
So go ahead, confess with your mouth the wordly "shameful" truths God reveals to you. Boldly go forward in the knowledge of His omniscience and goodness; go forward knowing we who are homeless can never be shamed.

Blessings,
Mayzie

Instruments

Friends, it is official: I have the fever.
No, don't worry. I do not need any chicken noodle soup, Sudafed, or Saltine crackers.
I will not be going to the doctor.
I won't even be sleeping more to get over it.
I have missions fever.
Seriously, this is prime season for missions fever. Early in the year, spring break and summer plans being made, and this girl has a passion to GO! Ever since I was small, my heart has cried out to go into the world and make known the name of our Savior. However, being the control freak that I am, I turned that from a simple calling to something else I could plan and take charge of.

Will I ever learn? (hopefully.)

Hallelujah, our Lord adapts His thoughts so we may have understanding and then speaks them to our lives. As I was getting ready for class this morning, all I could do was think about my future life as a career missionary. This has actually consumed all my thoughts lately- where God will send me, the people I will impact, the ways I can make God known...
And somehow through the chaos of my soul:
"Mayzie, my daughter, you make Me known like a clarinet makes music."
Excuse me, Father? Clarinets do make music... right? Those sounds coming out are music, yes?
"Is that the clarinet making music, or the one playing it?"
Oh. Oh. I see.
"And a clarinet would never take credit for what the musician has done."
Now I not only see; I hurt.

How DARE I try to take God's plan and make it about me? Before the beginning of time, God's plan has been, that somehow in the grand scheme of things, He would deign for me to leave my home and serve Him in the "ends of the earth" part of the mission field. (Acts 1:8) And somehow, in the short time I have been on earth, I tried to show contempt to the Lord by being self-centered and making HIS plan MY plan. 

In Malachi 1, the Israelites have been rescued by God (again) and the Israelites have forsaken Him (again). See, these Israelites decided they would do things their way and let God just go by the wayside. (just an aside, God never 'just goes by the wayside.' But that's another blog) They would sacrifice blind or crippled animals to the Lord and keep the best for themselves. The Israelites took a system of law and sacrifice that had been instituted to benefit them and glorify God and convoluted it to glorify themselves. In the same way, when we take the snippets of God's plan He has chosen to bless us with knowledge of and distort it to glorify ourselves, we give God our second best. We serve unholy leftovers to the HOLY GOD.

How dare we?

So I say all that to say this: we are merely the instruments God has chosen to use in this perfectly crafted orchestra of time. We can do nothing aside from what He wants us to do, and we should never take credit for His work. Not even Jesus did this as He miraculously saved us from sin and death.

"'O house of Israel, cannot I do with you as this potter?' saith the LORD. 'Behold, as the clay is in the potter's hand, so are ye in mine hand, O house of Israel.'" Jeremiah 18:6
Yes, Father. Mold and make us to be Your instruments.

Blessings,
Mayzie

Losing the Weight

In my dorm, each hall has a bulletin board that is decorated every few months by the RA. Walking to class today, I noticed the headline for the board.... "Get Skinny for Spring Break." I wasn't surprised to see a picture of Victoria Secret Model Alessandra Ambrosio and some ridiculously ripped male model as our 'motivation' for 'sexy bikini bodies.'
        
Seriously?

Something about that is not okay to me. And not just because I am not blessed with a 'sexy bikini body' (let's face it- even in shape, I'm built more like a linebacker than a prima ballerina). Nope- It is because I am a follower of Christ.
"Now Mayzie," you might say, "What's wrong and not Christian about wanting to be skinny? Can't I want to look good?"
My answer? Grab your Bible, and keep reading :)

See, God has recently convicted me about my eating habits. I have not taken care of my body over the past eighteen years, and I can see the effects of that. I am not in shape, my blood sugar average are too high, and I (until recently) paid no attention to what I ate. A few weeks ago, my mom told me about this book she had read called "Made to Crave" by Lysa TerKeurst (I reccommend it!). I started reading, and the Lord began to speak so much truth into my life regarding by health and body. Between His Word and Ms. TerKeurst, I have learned a lot about what it means to glorify God with all I do.

Truth 1: Your Body Is NOT Your Own (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)
When a friend lends you a shirt, or their computer, or anything that belings to them, don't you take better care of it than you do your own belongings? It is scriptural truth that these bodies we live in are God's alone. He did not pay for us with money- He paid a life so we could be temples for His Spirit. Since we don't beling to ourselves, shouldn't we honor the Owner of our bodies by treating them as such?

Truth 2: We are Fearfully and Wonderfully Made (Psalm 139:14)
As stated before, I am not a small woman. When God made me, He made me to play football rather than be a flyer on a cheer squad (it's a joke-y'al laugh). I know I am not the only person- man or woman- that does not fit the societal norm of acceptable body shape. From the top of our curly hair to our toes that may look like worms, God thumbprinted each of us totally unique. Since He made us without a norm, why do we try to fit one (i.e. skinny, ripped, tan, tall), especially one unattainable for most people? I'm not saying God wants us to be overweight and unhealthy and say it's okay because we were created that way- I'm saying take care of the body you were given, no matter what shape you are.

Truth 3: Motivation is Everything (1 Corinthians 10:31)
Often, when I, and people in general, begin to diet, it is for one reason: to lose weight. To fit this idea of "skinny" or "sexy." To look good in that swimsuit. Sometimes it is to feel better. But how often is our decision to be healthy solely motivated by a desire to glorify our Father, Creator, and Owner? See, we often don't think God cares what we put in our bodies. But Biblically, we are told all our actions are to glorify Christ. ALL OF THEM.
Wait, that means eating, too?
Ummm, it says all.
So yes.
This was frustrating to me at first. I mean, I really, really, like food. Maybe even love it. Then I realized I couldn't properly serve God if each of my actions didn't magnify Him. Each. And. Every. One. Like my friend Kim Nicks once said to me, "You can't be a missionary if you're coughing up mucus every day." Our health is not about us.
It's not about how I look.
It's not about how I feel.
It's about how I am glorifying God.

So really, that's why I have a problem with skinny. I have a problem with diets. I have a problem with eating right and exercising for myself. I can't ever do it for myself.
And I shouldn't.
God gives us His Spirit so we can do all we do to glorify Him. Each action we take, each thing we eat, each day we do (or don't) exercise either makes Him greater or makes us greater.

I don't know about y'all, but since the Almighty Creator paid for me, I had better live like He's my Owner.

And eat like it, too.

Blessings,
Mayzie